I read an article in the Winston-Salem Journal this morning that said that Hanes Mall is likely to require anyone under the age of 18 to be accompanied by parents after 5 p.m. on Fridays and Saturdays. As the parent of three teenagers (17, 16, 13) I have just one question for the mall's management: What took you so damn long?
Teenagers are palatable, barely, when they are singled out from the herd. Heck, you might even be able to take them in groups of two or three if you limit the exposure to under ten minutes, but you get them in large groups and they're as bad as any group of human beings around. Actually they're more like zombies on speed, and knowing that and knowing that they have the same attraction to malls that zombies have I avoid that place like the plague. Sure I avoid the mall as much as possible anyway thanks to my aversion to shopping and Sbarro, but knowing that there are teenagers there in abundance absolutely seals the deal.
The only worse place than a mall to be on any given day is a high school or middle school, but we pay people to pretend to do something worthwhile with them in those places and for the most part we aren't expected to actually breathe the air there unless our children do something remarkable like achieve more than altered states of consciousness. So really schools don't count.
Hanes Mall management, on behalf of all normal human beings in the Winston-Salem vicinity I want to say "thank you." Of course there might be an unintended consequence that my wife will expect me to accompany her on shopping forays on Fridays and Saturdays after dark, but I'm well prepared with enough exaggerated illnesses and household tasks that I think I can fend her off for the near future. When I do run out of excuses I'll just add a requirement that we eat in the food court if we're to shop there. That ought to take care of it.
